2002-05-13 - 11:13 p.m.
been awhile, eh? it's all done, just about. thinking about the different scenes fasicnates and scares me....am i strong enough to do this? almost out of new brunswick, well at least living here. i will be back.

i'm going to miss everyone. especially all the kids at the bar that don't give a fuck about me.
they're the best, because they're amazing actors, and that makes them beautiful. seems whenever i make a real friend, they let me down. so the fake drunk friends are loved and will be remembered. eyeing up all the bottles.

looks enticing and scary.
i can do this. since there is really is no other option. it's 11pm already.
another day wasted in reflective thought. i miss danielle so much. why do girls hate me? my parents will hate me soon enough. it's all so sad and tragic. if i was up to it, i'd write some greek drama. but there's enough drama in this sphere. i think since there is so much, its perpetuated into other arenas of life. so now i enter and leave this one.

2002-04-23 - 5:48 a.m.
it's late, cant sleep. monotonous lifestyle has kept me repeating bullshit numerous amounts of times throughout this semester. for what good? what the fuck am i doing to myself? i'm really trying hard here, but i'm sabotaging my own life.

i didn't even mean to do it tonite. but low and behold i've fucked it all up. i'm a page in a novel, overlooked with severity...i've taken it upon myself to graciously rip my own soul apart in public....this is not what was intended. it's not insanity but a critique of my actions...am i fucking my life up on purpose? man, that would be pathetic. songs to highlight these catastrophes: mainly it would be pavement's "here" although a few others such as radiohead's "fake plastic trees" and, oh yes, even the oldie but oh-so-defining song of my life, "driveway to driveway" by superchunk. sorry to all the scensters out there, these songs are nothing new but are quite the biography at times like this. fuck. someone torch new brunswick, please. preferrably while im in it.

2002-04-09 - 3:11 a.m.
insomnia. again.
can you believe it?
and in the background is some movie with subtitiles
on ifc. im listening to the shins alot.
they rock.
im really trying to be happy, making a
deeply concerted effort and all, but its so
hard when you live in a cave in new brunswick
to appreciate it all.
everyone i talk to thinks im crazy or a screw up.
they might not say it, but im not an idiot.
i think all i really need is to go to sleep one night
with a warm body next to me and arms around me.
that might solve part of my ongoing depression
ok this is pretty boring. im going to really
try to go to bed now.
ta ta.
playlist:
the shins::new slang
bright eyes::perfect sonnet
discharge::a hell on earth

next old blog
3.28.02:


2002-03-28 - 12:32 p.m.
it's noon. i wanted to get breakfast.
so much for that.
at least it's finally thursday.
hopefully everyone's going out tonite.
my bday is in one week. that's pretty terrible.
i wanna see the white stripes at bowery,
but i heard it's sold out.
i've written some new stuff recently. it's all
pretty drab as usual...
well i need to shower, eat lunch,
and read for classes later today. i want to go to philly and
eat a vegan cheese steak if it's nice out.

ok here's my song playlist for this sunny day:
:::ben lee:::cigarettes will kill you:::
:::built to spill:::twin falls:::
:::microphones:::the glow pt. 2:::
:::the cars:::just what i needed:::
:::pavement:::in the mouth of a desert:::
:::cat power:::metal heart:::
:::fugazi:::oh:::
:::belle & sebastian:::stars of track and field:::
:::south:::paint the silence:::
:::bright eyes:::the calendar hung itself:::

hopefully next time i type in here
i'll be hung over.
but i can only hope.

old blog called (the area of pause). lame, i know.
just found it, from 3.28.02:

first:

i'm clueless as to how this will come out.
this is my first entry, so bear with me.
i'm a depressed student who dwells in the confines
of rutgers university, forever sanctioned in the hell
that is new brunswick new jersey.
i like to write bad poetry and watch people
read it and pretend that it's actually decent.
it's hilarious.
my interests include indie rock, feminism,
reading, collecting snow globes from various
areas, writing, feminism, vegan food, and my
dog who's the best guy ever.

("all" or "why i need a hobby")

All the bands I like have broken up
And all my favorite poets are dead.

All the booze is gone
and all my glasses are still dirty.

All my regrets have dissipated
And all of my friends have floated away.

i may have stopped giving a shit about liz phair a million years ago, but canary is an amazing song and still holds to be in my top 10. it's on right now, and it's something i must share with the 1-2 people who actually read this nonsense i call a blog:


I learn my name
I write with a number two pencil
I work up to my potential
I earn my name

I come when called
I jump when you circle the cherry
I sing like a good canary
I come when called
I come, that's all

Send it up on fire
Death before dawn
Send it up on fire
Death before dawn

I clean the house
I put all your books in an order
I make up a colorful border
I clean my mouth
'Cause froth comes out

Send it up on fire
Death before dawn
Send it up on fire
Death before dawn