wow. has it really been 3 full years since i last wrote on here?

things have changed dramatically. i'm now a mama of two little twin guys, have moved into a home (that i don't own, but still...pretty cool), and my career has really taken a backseat to parenting. i'm working on the whole "career" thingy, just as soon as i know what i'm supposed to do for the rest of my life.

30 years old and still no clue what i'm good at.

so as i sit here, sipping cold black coffee, babies playing next to me with their noisy toys, i can barely hear velvet underground's "run run run" in the background. this house is a total messy nightmare that never seems to be clean.

in terms of my personal life, i feel like i'll never get it right. i feel like a constant failure at making things work and there's just no winning with anyone. what i would give to go out alone one night, have a glass or two of wine and a hotel room to crash in, while watching bad movies.

to disengage.
to remove myself.
to be selfish for one moment.

but these things require money, babysitters, and some understanding from others. all of which i seem to be lacking at the moment...

regardless of that and the fact that my once stellar bookshelf, arranged by genre/interest is now covered with bills to be shredded, baby toys and other nonsense, i am happy. my sons are really incredible and have given me light in darkness; something i looked for all my life that i now have the honor of having any moment of the day.

my heart is full of love and perhaps some regret, but it is larger and more giving than it ever has been.
and i guess, in this life, that's really all i can ask for.

well, it's been quite some time.
things are going really rad.
plan on seeing transformers and sicko. hopefully, one doesn't disappoint.

it smells like damp air and diminshed barbecues today. everyone gave up because yesterday's july 4th was a washout. poured like crazy. i watched the fireworks from my kitchen window with tj. wanted to watch 1776, as it was on TCM. best movie ever. makes me want to hang out with john adams and talk about how he should have listened to abigail a bit more.

on a personal note, i'm a bit sentimental today, and i really should be more often.
i don't realize what i have in my life as much or as often as i should.
i guess the important thing is that i do realize it all, in the back of my mind, and sometimes, it creeps through and changes my outlook on everything.

all i can say is, i'm lucky to be loved and to have my best friend to hang out with every day.
so very, very lucky.

i haven't slept in 2 days, friends. needless to say, i look pretty awful.
outside of nyquil, any suggestions on how to dream again would be most helpful.

could be worse. at least GBV's "i am a scientist" just came on to amuse me for the moment.

It’s a “standing room only” kinda day and for some reason, I haven’t been bothered by it.

I did nothing, absolutely nothing at work today.
Tried to give myself menial pet projets to pass the time, but I kept completing them in 5 minutes or less. Dulls the mind to do nothing hour after hour.
I’m torn about where to proceed. I get calls/emails from potential employers everday but I have not called them back as of yet because I can be easily swayed into a more productive position at this point.

I’ve decided to perhaps seek therapy as it’s aparent that my mind is slipping again. I’m discontent, bored and any hobby I attempt to turn to ends up making me broke.
I know I need fixing. I just have to find the strength to explain my life story again to a complete stranger. And when I say some of this shit out loud, it freaks me out. They take cues from their freudian concepts...usually end up harping on me about how my dad pretended I wasn’t alive for 20 years and think that’s why I’m a mess.
I find it funny that these pysch docs love pushing the blame off on someone else. I know I’m a mess. Help me to solve the problem, don’t discuss historical facts that I cannot change.

Seems all was well up until a month or two ago when I started this commute. It’s given me too much to think about. Like where I wanna be in 5 years. So far, the paths I’ve taken continuously contradicted anything I ever wanted or believed in. and it’s not an issue of my need/wants/desires changing with age. It’s just where I’ve placed myslef, I guess. In order to be “normal” and “successful” to who? I don’t know. It’s a strange question that probably has a fucked up answer.

well, now that i have all my old postings out of the way, we can get down to business.

i find it incredible that an outlet for some can so quickly become an embarassing jerry springer episode. recently, my friend was verbally attacked on her blog for no reason. and i guess, well, i guess i just don't get it.

i don't understand why some people out there are obsessed with the past. can't move on. can't forgive. and even when you do forgive, they dismiss all good intentions.

so what to do? dwell on those stubborn people who need to be angry with you, because you're the scapegoat- encompassing everything that's wrong with them that they can't/won't change? or let it roll off your back, like hot shower water, and watch it go down the drain as if it was never there....

i try i try i try. i try to hard sometimes and not enough others. but at least i accept what is. and don't abandon what could be.

2002-05-13 - 11:13 p.m.
been awhile, eh? it's all done, just about. thinking about the different scenes fasicnates and scares me....am i strong enough to do this? almost out of new brunswick, well at least living here. i will be back.

i'm going to miss everyone. especially all the kids at the bar that don't give a fuck about me.
they're the best, because they're amazing actors, and that makes them beautiful. seems whenever i make a real friend, they let me down. so the fake drunk friends are loved and will be remembered. eyeing up all the bottles.

looks enticing and scary.
i can do this. since there is really is no other option. it's 11pm already.
another day wasted in reflective thought. i miss danielle so much. why do girls hate me? my parents will hate me soon enough. it's all so sad and tragic. if i was up to it, i'd write some greek drama. but there's enough drama in this sphere. i think since there is so much, its perpetuated into other arenas of life. so now i enter and leave this one.

2002-04-23 - 5:48 a.m.
it's late, cant sleep. monotonous lifestyle has kept me repeating bullshit numerous amounts of times throughout this semester. for what good? what the fuck am i doing to myself? i'm really trying hard here, but i'm sabotaging my own life.

i didn't even mean to do it tonite. but low and behold i've fucked it all up. i'm a page in a novel, overlooked with severity...i've taken it upon myself to graciously rip my own soul apart in public....this is not what was intended. it's not insanity but a critique of my actions...am i fucking my life up on purpose? man, that would be pathetic. songs to highlight these catastrophes: mainly it would be pavement's "here" although a few others such as radiohead's "fake plastic trees" and, oh yes, even the oldie but oh-so-defining song of my life, "driveway to driveway" by superchunk. sorry to all the scensters out there, these songs are nothing new but are quite the biography at times like this. fuck. someone torch new brunswick, please. preferrably while im in it.

2002-04-09 - 3:11 a.m.
insomnia. again.
can you believe it?
and in the background is some movie with subtitiles
on ifc. im listening to the shins alot.
they rock.
im really trying to be happy, making a
deeply concerted effort and all, but its so
hard when you live in a cave in new brunswick
to appreciate it all.
everyone i talk to thinks im crazy or a screw up.
they might not say it, but im not an idiot.
i think all i really need is to go to sleep one night
with a warm body next to me and arms around me.
that might solve part of my ongoing depression
ok this is pretty boring. im going to really
try to go to bed now.
ta ta.
playlist:
the shins::new slang
bright eyes::perfect sonnet
discharge::a hell on earth

next old blog
3.28.02:


2002-03-28 - 12:32 p.m.
it's noon. i wanted to get breakfast.
so much for that.
at least it's finally thursday.
hopefully everyone's going out tonite.
my bday is in one week. that's pretty terrible.
i wanna see the white stripes at bowery,
but i heard it's sold out.
i've written some new stuff recently. it's all
pretty drab as usual...
well i need to shower, eat lunch,
and read for classes later today. i want to go to philly and
eat a vegan cheese steak if it's nice out.

ok here's my song playlist for this sunny day:
:::ben lee:::cigarettes will kill you:::
:::built to spill:::twin falls:::
:::microphones:::the glow pt. 2:::
:::the cars:::just what i needed:::
:::pavement:::in the mouth of a desert:::
:::cat power:::metal heart:::
:::fugazi:::oh:::
:::belle & sebastian:::stars of track and field:::
:::south:::paint the silence:::
:::bright eyes:::the calendar hung itself:::

hopefully next time i type in here
i'll be hung over.
but i can only hope.

old blog called (the area of pause). lame, i know.
just found it, from 3.28.02:

first:

i'm clueless as to how this will come out.
this is my first entry, so bear with me.
i'm a depressed student who dwells in the confines
of rutgers university, forever sanctioned in the hell
that is new brunswick new jersey.
i like to write bad poetry and watch people
read it and pretend that it's actually decent.
it's hilarious.
my interests include indie rock, feminism,
reading, collecting snow globes from various
areas, writing, feminism, vegan food, and my
dog who's the best guy ever.

("all" or "why i need a hobby")

All the bands I like have broken up
And all my favorite poets are dead.

All the booze is gone
and all my glasses are still dirty.

All my regrets have dissipated
And all of my friends have floated away.